buttered side down

everything is going to be alright. unknown
(if you know who the photographer is, please tell me so i can credit them)

so, now there’s been a great breaking down, days where my toast would have landed on the floor buttered side down if i’d dropped it, what happens next?

natalie goldberg, in her marvellous book writing down the bones says:

you can’t go deep into your writing and then step out of it, clamp down, go home, “be nice”, and not speak the truth. if you give yourself over to honesty in your practise, it will permeate your life. you can’t straighten up during writing and then hunch back down when you let go of the pen. writing can teach us the dignity of speaking the truth, and it spreads out from the page into all of our life, and it should.

i guess then, that gives me a few options:

1. stop writing the truth of my life
2. keep writing the truth of my life here, but not allow it to spread out from the page
3. keep writing the truth of my life here, and take that same truth out into the world

because what i did was fairly easy…
i didn’t have to look you in the eye as i was writing. i was hiding in bed, sharing some of my dark thoughts and how i really feel, sharing the truth. because a lot of people who read my words here don’t know me, have never met me, and i don’t have to interact with you during the course of my daily life. so you’re never gonna know if i don’t live with this same honesty as i emerge from under the covers and step back out into the world.

the real change will begin when i learn to take this same truth out of my writing and into my daily life – speaking this truth as i interact with the people around me… because if i don’t, or if i continue to only speak this kind of truth when i write (on, or offline), then i will end up living a dichotomy that is likely to be my undoing.

this is my promise to myself for 2010

• i claim VOICE as my word for the year and TRUTH as it’s backup singer
• i will speak my truth gently, understanding that whoever is listening has their own truth and may not want to hear what i’m saying
• i will ask for help if i need it
• i will begin

(thank you to you all for your wonderful responses & lovely email messages. i am braver because of you)