no right turn

Sometimes this happens to me…

Sometimes it really feels like I haven’t made a right turn in ages.

Everything feels wrong.

I feel lost, confused, frustrated… angry, stressed and shouty, or I retreat.

I *think* I’m getting better at stopping myself, but my road is far from being without the odd diversion, crash (thankfully never fatal) or wrong turn.

There are clear warning signs when the road is not the one I’m meant to be on, but sometimes I’m so busy going places that I don’t notice immediately. In fact, my secret shame (or one of them at least), is that I’m so bloody stubborn and pig-headed that it takes me a while to admit that i took a wrong turn, and to get back on my path.

Things that tell me it’s not the right turn (for me) include;

• comparing what I’m doing to what someone else is doing
• then thinking that the way I’m doing it is shi*t
• contemplating quitting at this point
• being unable to feel any joy for anyone else’s success
• questioning my sanity
• thinking that nothing I do will ever be good enough
• forgetting that sometimes I have something worth saying too
• being spiteful, truculent, or downright mean

I’m not suggesting your list would be the same, but let’s have a show of hands if you’ve caught yourself in crazy land too. I promise no-one else can see you raise your hand… Your secrets are safe with me.

How do I get myself out of this crazy land and back on the right road for me? Most often it begins with me admitting I was wrong. Very often this will also include a few apologies to those around me who I’ve sucked into my vortex and involved in my drama.

Then, there’s usually a cooling-off period. A re-grounding if you will. This usually involves water, quiet, bare feet, sleep, tearing things out of magazines and catalogues to glue into my latest journal. You know… Things that get me out of my crazy mind and back into that place in me that knows what I’m meant to be doing (even when the rest of me doesn’t).

It’s a turn back on to the road where, when part of me is saying “are you crazy?!?”, the rest of me is saying YES, and that’s just how it’s meant to be.