on letting go (a confession)

over the years i’ve participated in, and witnessed, a lot of different releasing rituals. i’ve written (and then burned) words & pages, wrapped my intentions in red cloth, held private ceremonies for myself. and i’ve come to realise there’s a lot of power in doing this.

the first few times i did it, i was more than a little uncomfortable…
+ what if i do it wrong?
+ does this conflict with my ideas about spirituality?
+ what if this is just some kooky thing and all a waste of time?
+ does this actually work?!?

…but i kept on turning up, taking part in ceremony, creating my own, all in safe and loving environments. and i felt lighter and lighter, more able to feel joy because there was less of the self-limiting stuff weighing me down.

i now think about these things i carry as being similar to travelling the world picking up trinkets and souvenirs. with each acquisition i’m dragging more and more items, in more and more suitcases, behind me. after a while this gets tiresome and expensive! these thoughts and feelings, like luggage, become so cumbersome that i have to either let go, or suffocate underneath the weight of them all (*).

letting go of the thoughts and feelings that no are longer serving me has now become an essential and necessary part of my life.

You wanna fly, you got to give up the shit that weighs you down.
― Toni Morrison, Song of Solomon

fast forward to this year

my thoughts keep turning, and returning, to one thread: a feeling of disconnect.
i am thrashing in my journal pages and they’re filled with lines and lines of dialogue that go something like this:

+ why can s/he {insert do that magical unexplainable, universe-y thing here} but i can’t?
+ how come someone saw the greatness of the universe when she was working with me and i didn’t notice?
+ why can i not feel any connection to you, spirit, the world around me right now?
+ how do i get that feeling back?
+ was it even real?
+ what the hell is wrong with me?!
+ is there even anyone there?
+ give me some proof that something greater than me exists!

these questions and [very melodramatic] thoughts plague my writing, waking hours and dreams. i wake, most mornings, with the feeling that i was about to finally come up with the answer for the questions i have been asking, feeling deeply frustrated that i woke just before they came.

Searching for that big happy moment in life, how many special little moments will we let pass us by?
―  Anonymous

i wonder if i’m trying too hard
and agonising too much
and missing moments of divinity because of it.

i wonder if my thrashing about
making all kinds of racket in my head
is causing half the problem.

perhaps if i loosened my grip
stepped back into the flow
i’d find a peaceful way back to the truth.

You carry within you the wisdom of the ages
―   My higher self

so, this year, in this moment, i am choosing to let go of the way i have separated myself from you and from the divine

i am choosing to let go of the frantic grasping at answers, the belief that there’s a divine secret that’s been whispered in everyone’s ear but mine, the feeling that I’m an afterthought – separate from spirit (and you), and the idea that i’m missing some simple understanding of how and what connects us.

i embrace the possibility that the feeling of separation is one of my own doing.

i embrace the possibility that it is the stories i have been telling myself that are keeping me from remembering that our connection exists, and has always existed.

i know it’s time for this to stop.

Some of us think holding on makes us strong but sometimes it is letting go.
― Hermann Hesse

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i confess that putting all of this here is more than a little frightening. it means i am making myself vulnerable and showing you a part of me that i have carefully kept hidden for so long. i thought about choosing something else to share that i am letting go of this year – something not so scary to admit – but that doesn’t help me let go. not one little bit.

i also confess that i don’t have a word for the year. it somehow feels like i would be limiting myself if i choose only one. i want this year to be wide open to the possibility that anything could happen and choosing just one word simply won’t do. so i’ve also let go of the idea that to not have a word (or to not have been able to narrow it down to just one) makes me wrong in any way.

what is it you’d like to let go of today/this month/this year?

will you join us in letting go?

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This post is part of the Let it Go Project: a collection of stories leading up to a beautiful releasing ritual, hosted by Sas Petherick on the 30th of January. All the details for this free event are here. And you can take part! Be inspired by other posts in this project, and share what you are ready to let of of on the Let it Go Project Community Page!

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(*) another thing i’m learning is not to collect them in the first place