status anxiety

self-portrait, yesterday

swirling thoughts, little remnants from slumber, waking early, with a head full of to-do’s and what-if’s – all of these things feeding into my current status anxiety.

sas wrote beautifully about sacred responsibility recently; about all the tiny choices she made that have got her to where she is now. her eloquence, vulnerability and willingness to be honest with herself are little lights that comfort me and whisper “keep going”.

though i know this is right where i need to be and that my own little tiny choices have led me to here, there’s still a bit of niggling anxiety:

• is my service, moving back to my homeland in order to tend & nurture a small piece of land, truly enough?
• how can i continue to nurture my own growth as i tend to the gardens and care for my husband?
• how will i deal with not being able to hide when “I am wallowing in the mud-pool that is conscious incompetence” … on the days when there’s blight in the garden, or an aphid infestation, or i don’t know the answer to my current small-holding problem?

i have been known to give up on things when they get “too hard”, to run away and hide rather than making friends with my fears. even if there will be times i want to give up, it feels like it really is time to embrace my own conscious choice; to stay open, and saying yes, to what is next.

and, with friends like Sas and Lisa lighting the way, it makes me braver and more willing to.

i am winded, unsure,
and willing.
– lisa field-elliot