complicated mathematics

i believe it’s no accident that things are happening to me right now that bring me to an awareness of a 30-something year long conversation i have been having with myself.

things in my professional life have been difficult over the past year. the details of what exactly has happened isn’t the important bit; it’s what i have been telling myself about it (and the bigger story of myself) that is.

because it’s not just in my working life….
that just happens to be the thing that has been pressing my buttons, bringing my awareness to this conversation, forcing me to take some kind of action. because how i am feeling ultimately has nothing to do with my current workplace.

its all to do with ME.

it’s about value.
how i value myself, my time, my existence.

looking back throughout my life, i have made a lot of decisions based on a conversation with myself that i am not worth anything. it has shaped my choices even down to the food i put in my mouth and the things i have chosen to numb me from the scary things that have happened in my life.

i have looked outside of myself for some sign that i have worth.

1. i do it by taking jobs just because people ask me to and i know i could do them well (even though the work doesn’t make me happy)
2. i compare my daily rate with that of my husband (who is REALLY smart and does something that pays well)
3. i seek validation that i am worthy or that my choices are ‘good ones’
4. even when someone tells me how great i am, i find it difficult to believe

and i am very quick to say to myself “see? i told you you’re not worth it” when someone leaves, or when i encounter something that i haven’t been able to deal with emotionally. it’s like i have somewhere in the past made value = some complicated mathematical sum that i have long forgotten how to answer.

i had forgotten that my idea of the worth of myself cannot be taught to me, or shown to me, or told to me by anyone other than myself.

changing my conversation with myself is the only way i can change my value of myself. it’s not through listening to anyone else, or by measuring it with how much money i make, how many friends i have, or how many books i sell.

because none of that matters.

YOU might think i’m amazing and wonder why i can’t see it myself (you might not). but you (or anyone else) telling me that i am valuable and worth the space that i occupy on the planet isn’t going to make one jot of difference until i can say it to myself and truly believe the words i hear myself saying.