in conversation

photo by my beautiful friend darlene

i’ve been thinking over the past couple of days about how easy it is for me to see so much good and potential and promise in others – the friends dear to me as well as colleagues & passing acquaintances. i find it easy to offer encouraging words to remind others of the good that they are and that they do.

it is easy for me to speak from my deepest knowing to a friend; to speak the truth of who she is and what she is capable of. i often also find that my eyes will soulfully communicate with hers, which often has a more powerful transmission than anything i could give voice to.

yet, like many women i know, i find it hard to say these things to myself. i find it hard to speak to myself from my deepest knowing of the beauty and the value that i also have. and sometimes (well, most times for me), it’s not actually something i would be able to verbalise anyway… it’s more of a feeling, a knowing, a deep recognition on a cellular level, than anything i can ever speak. it’s showing up in the mirror, meeting myself in my reflection and having a conversation with myself through my eyes rather than by using my voice.

i often feel frustrated at not being able to fully communicate through words what it is that i feel and really want to say. there are a number of people who write so deeply with words that really resonate with me and i often wonder why it is that i am unable to string my thoughts and feelings together in such a beautiful and engaging manner. very often, even thanking them for their words feels impossible to ever communicate in any meaningful way.

and it feels like this wordless conversation has been going on for me my whole life.

in fact, in a lot of my poetry there’s a common thread of feeling like words are ‘stuck in my throat’ – wanting to get out somehow, yet i never really feel like what i want to say could ever be spoken coherently. even now as i sit here writing, i can feel a tightness in my throat, like there’s something stuck there that wants to be spoken that is unable to come out.

so, right now, i sit here again frustrated… not because i can’t get my message across to you, but because i feel currently unable to have the conversation with myself that i truly desire.

11 thoughts on “in conversation

  • oh how this makes me miss you, your eyes really do speak such a beautiful language, the language of you and i am still so grateful that i got to spend the time with you that we had …

    i often feel the exact same way you know, only i continue to write in my journals even when it all comes out wrong and well when i am alone, i often talk to myself, full conversations out loud as i try and work out what it is i am needing to say, stumbling blocks that circuit out between my mind and my fingertips, my mind and my tongue … but we carry on and keep trying and that is where the beauty lies i think.

    love to you, xoxox

  • As some of the other commenters have said, you say alot with minimal words. You speak wonderfuly through your poetry & also your photography.

    While I know you’re not specifically talking about a physical voice, it might help to unleash your inner voice by unblocking energy of your physical one. You might find somewhere secluded and just scream…opening up your throat & letting random sound come out?!?! Dunno…just a thought! :)

  • Oh, that photo.. reminds me of the time we met ;)
    I know the feeling you speak of, but.. I have to say.. When I look at your photos and when I read your writings/poetry, I can feel your thoughts between the lines. You may not *see* it the way others do ~ but, dear heart, you are a creative, free spirit, world traveling, bundle of inspiration and light.
    That’s what I know about you.
    I don’t know how the voice or the words will come out, but I’m a firm believer in an egg hatching when it’s ready to hatch. (duh!)
    Your words are eloquent. Your photos pull me in.
    You’ll get there…
    Sending you love, xo

    (and trying to catch up on commenting with my blog friends ~ been caught up with the Holidays…)

  • Your poems move me so deeply. Less words with more meaning, more beauty, more truth than the thousands I spew out every week!

    But I also hear your frustration and I believe that by writing about it, talking about it and facing it you are in a time of change – moving from stuck to flowing.

    Thank you for all your words.

  • Love that photo! Those eyes convey a weight of dreams and hopes … be well. Have a great Christmas. Blessings.

  • such a beautiful woman, inside and out.
    i suspect it is no coincidence that you are a poet and yet you find the words stuck – a cosmic joke!

    yet as someone who has sat with you only a few times (can that really be true?) i see this honesty and bravery and authenticity that is palpable. i see a wahine that has staked her claim on the world, is finding/has found her voice, and is a natural bringerer-togetherer.

    i am so lucky to call you friend.

  • oh my gosh,
    this website,
    this photo,
    it all just looks so right.
    so beautiful.

    your words,
    your poetry,
    your photography,
    i love everything about you.

    but i hear you,
    and i understand no matter how many others are touched or inspired,
    or tell you how fabulous you are (as great and as important as it is to hear it)
    sometimes you just want to hear it from yourself.

    for what it’s worth however,
    in the spaces in between,
    let me tell you just how amazing you are.
    how you are rocking not just my world,
    but transforming your own one too.

  • i love this photo of you, LOVE! and i so get the words you’ve said here…i find myself at a loss to say the things that i need to say to myself (and believe them) as well as being able to get out of my head, the thoughts into words.

    i think though, that through these observations, you’re getting closer to being able to see all the beauty that you exude and are dear girl.

    and i for one am totally inspired by you. xo

  • First, love the photo! And you have to rise above the self-doubt; each of us struggles with that from time to time. The only way to silence it is to move beyond it. I have complete faith in you, Leonie. You can do whatever you decide to do! xoxox

  • I used to feel that way…often. and then I realized it was all because I was afraid of being judged by what did come out…by what was heard by others when I spoke….seen by others, when my words were on paper and finally I reached an age, where that didn’t seem to matter anymore….

    I will admit though, sometimes that fear of being judged is still there, but I usually push it aside and what comes out is welcomed by open arms……

Comments are closed.