in conversation

photo by my beautiful friend darlene

i’ve been thinking over the past couple of days about how easy it is for me to see so much good and potential and promise in others – the friends dear to me as well as colleagues & passing acquaintances. i find it easy to offer encouraging words to remind others of the good that they are and that they do.

it is easy for me to speak from my deepest knowing to a friend; to speak the truth of who she is and what she is capable of. i often also find that my eyes will soulfully communicate with hers, which often has a more powerful transmission than anything i could give voice to.

yet, like many women i know, i find it hard to say these things to myself. i find it hard to speak to myself from my deepest knowing of the beauty and the value that i also have. and sometimes (well, most times for me), it’s not actually something i would be able to verbalise anyway… it’s more of a feeling, a knowing, a deep recognition on a cellular level, than anything i can ever speak. it’s showing up in the mirror, meeting myself in my reflection and having a conversation with myself through my eyes rather than by using my voice.

i often feel frustrated at not being able to fully communicate through words what it is that i feel and really want to say. there are a number of people who write so deeply with words that really resonate with me and i often wonder why it is that i am unable to string my thoughts and feelings together in such a beautiful and engaging manner. very often, even thanking them for their words feels impossible to ever communicate in any meaningful way.

and it feels like this wordless conversation has been going on for me my whole life.

in fact, in a lot of my poetry there’s a common thread of feeling like words are ‘stuck in my throat’ – wanting to get out somehow, yet i never really feel like what i want to say could ever be spoken coherently. even now as i sit here writing, i can feel a tightness in my throat, like there’s something stuck there that wants to be spoken that is unable to come out.

so, right now, i sit here again frustrated… not because i can’t get my message across to you, but because i feel currently unable to have the conversation with myself that i truly desire.