the pink house, gisborne, august 2019. polaroid sx-70, expired impossible film.
i tread the line between wanting to express my thoughts and desperately wanting to remain silent – both in this virtual space and out in the world.
by the end of each day, i am easily aggravated and in need of disconnection; with netflix, with a small bowl of ice cream, with a soak in the spa (though i very often don’t have either of the last two things). i collapse into bed, fall asleep swiftly, but toss and turn as the night wears on. life is coming at me in new ways and, most days, i feel jarred and cracked open and angry with how my body feels. i swallow pills in the morning, then more at night, imagining my insides rattling from the sheer volume of them all – just to keep me on an even keel. everything is a rudder, steering me towards work, then home. it’s been so long since i have allowed myself some breathing space, some grace, some kindness. i have tried to make the monotonous days of my life seem interesting by posting about them here, but that was a short-lived exercise… i couldn’t even keep that up for long.
the things i’m worrying about seem absurd in the greater scheme of things, but i fixate on them nonetheless.
today i am lamenting the absence of blog rolls and interesting reads. i miss the comfort of a blog where people tell longer stories and where everyone’s sidebar was a treasure trove of windows into a wider world. i feel like a bit of an oddity now and my writing here is sporadic. i wonder if i have been clinging to this space for too long and it’s time to shut down this one tiny dust-mote floating in the vastness of an impersonal landscape.
10 thoughts on “saturday”
I appreciate your writing and photograph. It gives me a beautiful inspiration whenever I visit. Thank you!
you are very kind, thanks Yu
I really love your photographs and your writing. I hope you continue your blog, even if it is sporadic because I enjoy seeing snippets of your life in New Zealand, a window into the other side of the world.
Greetings from Amsterdam <3
thanks so much Fanny. waving back at you over there in your corner of the world x
I miss blog rolls too. I hope you don’t go. I understand the tension between wanting to be still and quiet and wanting to tell and express.
thanks holly, i am glad of your company here xxx
I’m still here, still reading you after all these years, still adoring the world of personal blogs. ❤️❤️❤️
oh my gosh, hello! what a delight to get a message from you. i hope you are well and thriving x
Nah, don’t shut it down, Leonie, even if you take a break from posting. You’ve created something wonderful here, and it’d be sad to see it gone and unavailable to find, like a beautiful shell on a lonely beach after a week of storm. There are still blogs out there that tell stories, too. Hang in there.
Gorgeous photograph, with an elegance so unusual in this time when so many photos are the visual equivalent of shouting and demanding.
Thanks Pete, I appreciate you sharing your thoughts here. I feel similarly about the spaces you inhabit.
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